Have you ever felt it to be difficult to differentiate who you are from who you think others want you to be? If your answer was yes, then you’re not alone. You are a part of 80% of teenagers and young adults who feel that pressure. Nowadays, with the rising popularity of social media, many of us have grown used to sharing our experiences with others, whether online or in person. But slowly, we’ve been teaching our brains to reference other people’s opinions before our own. This habit is extremely self-destructive, and sadly, extremely common. But it’s not unsolvable. Here are three ways that will help you rebuild your internal compass and learn to shed your need for that approval from others.
- Ask Before You Act
“If no one could judge me, what would I do?” While this may seem corny or simple, it works. Practicing asking this question continuously will slowly require the brain to reference yourself before the imaginary audience in your head. For example, if you’re overthinking whether you should dance at a party or post a recent photo of yourself, ask the question. Practice doing what you want. Not what you think others want you to do. It will be difficult at first, but over time, you will learn to stop valuing others’ opinions over your own.
- Practicing Progress—Without Praise
Have you ever heard the quote, “If you want to change the world, start by making your bed”? Well, it’s true. When we receive support and validation from others, our brain releases dopamine. However, there are more sustainable and lasting ways to get that dopamine boost. The brain also releases dopamine when it senses progress, which in turn gives us motivation. You should practice private progress habits that will give you that sense of accomplishment without relying on other people to do that for you. An example of this would be doing simple tasks like cleaning your room, making your bed, or finishing an assignment early. This builds the habit of acting without the need for witnesses and will improve your mood.
- Sitting With the Silence
The absence of approval is uncomfortable, but it is important to learn to sit with it. Fully feeling and absorbing the uneasiness that comes with not being praised will gradually reteach the brain to handle that silence without panic, and it will build emotional resilience. An example would be to simply wear something you like without immediately asking someone if they think it “looks okay.” A more serious example would be not immediately starting to justify your boundaries when someone else crosses them.
It is easy to get sucked into the cycle of worrying about what everyone else thinks. It’s like a tornado—a spiral that just keeps growing the more you add onto it. But practicing these three habits over time will rebuild your internal compass and calm the spiral. Because other people come and go, and their opinions will change. But who we are when no one is watching? That is the part that lasts.
